The Crippling Desire to be Successful

I’ll be the first to admit - maybe I listen to tooo many business and personal development podcasts.

It’s my way of staying in the zone. Keeping my eyes on the ball and dribbling forward towards the goal. (I cannot play football (soccer) to save my life)

But - every now and again, I have this existential crisis of wanting to be successful. (Like if I was dribbling up the left wing with a clear shot and just couldn’t help but feel like I will miss the goal)

It’s a feeling so contradictory, I feel wrong writing this.

Here is the best analogy I could come up with:

Imagine you are sitting at a table at 3pm, starving. You haven’t eaten all day, except for a bit of coffee in the morning to stop you headache and make sure you can poop before your workout class this morning (just me who can relate?). The grill is hot, and the waiter brings out the gabli (갈비) and places it right on the black iron. You hear the sizzle and you know the Maillard Reaction is happening. The waiter hands you a metal bowl filled with more short-grain starch your ancestors probably saw in a week and takes off.

Everything is set out in front of you but you pause. ‘Did I cook it enough?’ ‘What if it’s raw and I get sick?’ ‘Is it over cooked and tough?’ ‘Wait did they even marinate this?’ ‘Why does that person have more banchan (반찬) than me?’ ‘Is someone going to come and take my galbi (갈비)?’ ‘What if It’s poisoned?’ ‘Wait how do I eat this?’ ‘Can I even eat this?’ ‘How do I use chopsticks’….. you get the picture.

This might be a very me specific situation, but I hope it paints the right picture:
A feeling of wanting something so bad, you can’t do anything to help you get there.

Sometimes - I’m listening to these podcasts of exited founders, inspirational athletes and incredible academics and can’t help but feel like it’s impossible. They live a life I would love to live, but I can’t code, I don’t have the passion for any sport to attempt to be a professional and I have no where near the level of enthusiasm for nuclear fusion or high level applications of CRISPER to be great.

How can I do this? Do I have what it takes?

Yet, I have this other feeling - I will be.

I don’t mean to sound boasy (full of myself, arrogant) or narcissistic, but it’s more like I won’t live with myself if I am not.

Could I be happy without it? Yes of course.

Would I die with some regret? Definitely.

And I am the type of person to hate regrets.

So I have to be. I’ve given myself no other option.

Yes, I have grace with myself. Yes, I have some good days and some bad. Yes, I know it’s not a linear path but nth degree polynomial that may go below the negative before it comes back up.

But still - it is a must.

And that’s why it’s so crippling. You know you are to be there, you know you are capable. But you still think about what you are missing, how you’ll get there and what the journey will be like.

Yes Mom and Dad, I’m ok and I know to be not too hard on myself but maybe this is what people call: drive.

I might still be learning how to shift gears, but one day - maybe they’ll know me as ‘the better Max’.

And while I’m getting there - I’m grateful you all are here for the journey.

See you in two weeks,
Max (not Verstappen)